Missing Mom

It has been just under four months since mom passed away.  In aspects, it seems as though it was yesterday and in the same instance it seems like a lifetime ago.  I don't know if it was the world wind of the holidays or the fact that it really hadn't yet set in, but it seems like recently I've been having a really hard time trying to figure out who I am now, without my mom.  

You see, everyone has that someone who is their "person."  Their person they go to and are 100% themselves. The person they talk to, confide in, and the person who keeps them grounded. My mom was, without a doubt, my person. I talked to my mother EVERY single day.  She was my touchstone.  And without her here, I simply feel lost. I called mom when I needed advice with the kids, Brian, school, the house, life.  Brian used to joke that I never made a decision without running it by my mom, and to some extent, he is probably right.  

I know people go through loss all the time, and they say it gets easier. But right now, I don't know how my world will ever be okay again.  When mom was sick, I was so sad when I thought about all the things that she would miss out on, with my dad, my kids, her friends.  I think I was even more sad that my kids would really never realize what an incredible grandmother they had. But to be honest through all of it,  it never really occurred to me, how much I would truly miss out on, as well. 

It's been a rough week and I'm sure it won't be the last.   But I know there will be more good days than bad and thats all we can really hope for. We focus on the blessings in our life, and they are plentiful.   And on those bad day, well, as mom would say, "you put your big girl panties on, " hold your chin up, and pray that tomorrow is the day you find your way.